Marge the Argonaut



It wasn't quite a Tarantula, but it wasn't far off. I'm sitting there in the rocking chair watching some late night Discovery Channel as usual, it was about 11.30pm and I was just about to go to bed. I saw this flicker of movement out the corner of my eye; Jesus H it was the size of a small European car! And it moved faster than priest at summer camp. Now of course I had to prove my alpha male status to the Cat which had run off in fear, I swear she said 'what the fuck..!?' Anyway, I tried to step on the damned thing, it was like trying to crush a giant Galapagos tortoise. After falling off I ran to the dinning room and proceeded to beat the bastard over the head with a chair until it finally gave in and went to the big cobweb in the sky. It was a supreme moment of triumph for my fragile male ego.

So there I am again the next evening, same time etc. And another one of these beasts appears from exactly the same place as the one before. Maybe this was its' Mother like in Jaws 4 come to seek revenge? Again I tried to stamp on it but it evaded my slipper with ease and disappeared behind the sofa. Naturally, feeling pissed that this one had made a mockery of me I waited until it crawled up the wall later on. Man this one was arrogant, struttin' up that wall like Norm in a locker room (Kindergarden). And bam! I got the fucker with a rolled up newspaper. But questions remained, where were they all coming from? Was this some new Arachnid right of passage to reach the kitchen without meeting an ill fate at the hands of the evil brown giant in the rocking chair? And would there be a repeat battle the following night?

Yes, yes there was.

You'll be glad to know that I survived. Again, TV, same time. Except this time the bugger came crawling along the wall above the fire place in full view. And this one was the biggest so far; I'd need a bigger chair. But no more chairs, I went an got some bug spray! Half a can later when I was kinda seeing the world in shades of green I decided that maybe this one had won the day until it succumbed and fell to the floor stoned with a mighty thud behind the sofa. Man what a relief I thought. So as I sat there wondering where the hell all these monster spiders had come from and whether to check in the garden for strange glowing meteors, when the bastard suddenly came charging out from under the sofa like Silver running from a girl. Of course my reactions were a little delayed from the bug spray but I dived out of the way 'A' Team style to safety by the piano. As I backed away it actually followed me! Man, this one was really pissed. Then, the stand off... we stood there sizing each other up, figuring each other out like Gary Cooper and the other dude from that scene in High Noon. Then it flinched and with rapier like grace I grabbed a large file from on top of the piano stool, which contained all my Mums sheet music and slammed it down on like the monkey with the bone from 2001 A Space Odyssey, finally crushing this Moby Dick of spiders.

The file is still on the ground as I'm too frightened to lift it up in case the thing isn't dead and tries to make a final grab for me like the Alien. I can't wait to see what happens when my Mum goes down early in the morning and picks up the file...