Transient without being a transient



I'm supposed to be moving to London tomorrow and there's a possibility that I might go and work in Brussels in a month or so too. Either way, things are going to change for me which is good, but kind of unsettling too. For the past year and a half my life has been on hold after losing my job in NYC, struggling to find a new one to stay there and to preserve the life I worked hard to build. This whole summer at home in England has been kind of strange and testing, I really feel that all this time has been stripped away from me, and that's not something you get back. But I guess I'm feeling pensive right now as today I've been once again packing my few possessions up and getting ready to move on again. I think my confidence is still a little shaky after NY. I keep thinking history's going to repeat itself.

If I end up going to Brussels I'd only stay there for a year or so and return to London . But I think the thought of not being grounded in one place with friends and roots is starting to chip away at me. The adventurous side of me wants to go to Brussels to test my resolve again, maybe to exorcise the ghosts of humiliation and failure from leaving NY and to prove to myself that I can do it. And the other side is questioning why bother and to just keep looking for a job in London (which is itself the harder of the two options) and get settled there for good; the old 'don't take any risks and you won't get hurt' crap. I know I'm whining blah blah blah. Every time I try to progress it fucks up and I've just had enough you know? I kinda feel like I have no purpose and am going nowhere, so what difference does it make what city I live in? Ugh fuck it, nevermind.